According to Donna Bellafiore, people often act in three ways in facing conflict, namely, avoid or deny the existence of conflict;getting mad and blaming the other person; using power and influence to win at the other’s expense. I think I am the one who always avoid conflict. In my point of view, or as common to many Chinese people, sticking in a conflict is the last thing wanted, and if possible, avoid it or keep away from it. I may unconsciously avoid or deny the existence of conflict. I even thought about giving up the assignment for writing a conflict. (Ok, I think i shall stop explaining for myself.)
The conflict I am going to describe was from one of my best friends in high school. I think I will use the fake name Jack for him. As many of us may experience before or hear about that situation where parents place such great expectation on the children that they may create a whole list of dos and do nots for them and watch them closely. Jack’s situation may be even worse as his father is the officer of a work camp, where people break the law but not so serious to be sent to jail. Due to the occupational disease, his father would treat him as one of the reeducation people in the work camp and there is almost no private and free time. Worse still, his father seems to have a timetable for him to do all kinds of activities whether he wants or not. For example, I was once a time visiting him in the winter vocation, and his father would get us up at exactly 7am and announce the tasks for today, things like finish reading a certain chapter of a book; practicing calligraphy; reading newspapers and watching training videos, etc. I was so shocked that I was not able to offer any better suggestions since I was told that his father enjoys the absolute power in the work camp as well as in his family. There is no place for negotiating. Under that condition, my friend always breaks the rules and gets beaten. Do you still remember the last time you parents beat you? I forgot already. But it should be more than 10 years ago. What should you do if you are Jack?
8 条评论:
Hey Wen Lue,
It was great that you up such a post. I am glad you did not avoid writing on this subject. This is a very very tough issue to deal with. Quite often, parents and children have conflicts over the different view points of how things should be done. I was in the same situation when I was young, but it was not as bad. My suggestion for him is to talk to his mom. He would not be able to "talk back" to his dad in any situation. Rather, his mom is in a better situation to talk to him. The last thing he wants to do is rebel. Things will get worse.
Your delivery is quite clear and concise. I like your introduction which refers in general to different reaction towards conflicts. It is not too long-winded, at the same time, it's interesting. However, I have some questions like where does his mom stand in this situation. How bad is his obedience? What exactly is a work camp?
There are also a few grammatical mistakes.
1. "avoid or deny the existence of conflict;getting mad and blaming the other person; using power and influence to win at the other’s expense" In a series of listing, each items should be separated by "," rather than ";"
2. "In my point of view, or as common to many Chinese people, sticking in a conflict is the last thing wanted, and if possible, avoid it or keep away from it." This sentence is a fragment. It has no subject.
3. "I even thought about giving up the assignment for writing a conflict." should be "given up the assignment on interpersonal conflict." A little awkward expression.
There are a few more careless mistakes which I guess you can pick up yourself. Just want to pick out these few.
Do not be offended by my comment. My communication skill is far from perfect too. That's why we are in this course. We all learn from mistakes. (:
Cheers,
Billet
Hi Wen Lue,
I would like to comment on that the conciseness of your post is truly commendable. I do agree with Billet that issues between parents and their children are often mind-boggling and hard to solve. It requires a great deal of time and effort to remedy the issue.
My suggestion to him would be to firstly as what Billet mentioned, talk to his mum. I believe that his mother would be a great platform to thrash things out. In a way, his mother would be able to provide a good listening ear and act as a messenger to his father as his mother will be at a better position to do so.
Lastly, in my opinion, the silliest thing to get one’s attention is to rebel. I think at the end of the day, it will be a lose-lose situation as you get nothing out of it, only unwanted trouble and pain. Talking face to face amiably to solve things is the best solution around..
I also like to point out a few grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures found in your write-up:
1) As many of us may experience before or hear about that situation where parents place such great expectation on the children that they may create a whole list of dos and do nots for them and watch them closely.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
As many of us may experience or have hear about situations where parents place such great expectation on the children that they may create a whole list of dos and don’ts for them to follow, thereby being able to keep them under close supervision.
2) Jack’s situation may be even worse as his father is the officer of a work camp, where people break the law but not so serious to be sent to jail.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Jack’s situation may even be worse as his father is the officer of a work camp, a place where people are sent to for breaking the law but the offense committed is not considered serious enough to be sent to prison.
3) Due to the occupational disease, his father would treat him as one of the reeducation people in the work camp and there is almost no private and free time. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
(I think occupational disease is any chronic ailment that occurs as a result of work or occupational activity. It is an aspect of occupational safety and health. )
Due to his father’s workaholic nature, his father would unknowingly treat him as one of the in mates in the work camp and this includes having almost no private time allocated to him.
4) For example, I was once a time visiting him in the winter vocation, and his father would get us up at exactly 7am and announce the tasks for today, things like finish reading a certain chapter of a book; practicing calligraphy; reading newspapers and watching training videos, etc. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
For example, I remember visiting him once during the winter vacation. During the visit, his father would get us up at exactly 7am and announce the tasks for the day. These tasks include reading a certain chapter of a book, practicing calligraphy, reading newspapers and watching training videos etc.
5) There is no place for negotiating. >>>>>>>>> There is no place for negotiation or there is no negotiating ground for the both of us.
6) Try to keep consistent tenses in your essay.
I hope you are not offended by my remarks. I am also in the process of mastering my skills in writing. Looking forward to your next post.. :D
Regards,
Sylvester
Hi Wen Lue!
Firstly, I'd just like to tell you how glad I am that you decided to make a post on interpersonal conflicts, even though this seems to be a very sensitive issue for you. Thanks for opening up a little more to us by stepping out of your comfort zone and allowing yourself to be that much more vulnerable.
As for Jack's interpersonal conflict with his over-bearing father...this really is a tough case to resolve. Primarily because it is a conflict with a close family member, and in a traditional Chinese family nonetheless.
I'm not quite sure I'd go along with Billet's and Sylvester's suggestions of seeking out Jack's mother for help. In this situation, I believe that if there was anything his mother could do to alleviate the emotional (and physical) stress on her son, she would have done it long ago.
Particularly in traditional Chinese families, women don't usually have equal power as the men. This is most likely the case in Jack's family as well, especially since his father is a strict, no-nonsense totalitarian who seems to enjoy having absolute control over every single member of his household.
As young adults, we can fully empathize with Jack and his overwhelming desire for personal space and freedom, even at the risk of harsh punishment. And though we know Jack's father is probably laying down all his rules and restrictions with inherent good intent; his over-bearing manner and treatment of his own son as if he were one of the "work camp" inmates, is really going overboard.
I'm not too sure of the actual dynamics in Jack's family, but I would advise him to seek the help/counsel of a male relative, such as an uncle or grandfather, instead. I do hope this totalitarian patriarchy isn't a family tradition that has been in place for generations. Family problems are the worst to sort out, because 'outsider' intervention is never welcome.
And the saddest thing about this whole case is: it's not fictitious.
Dear WenLue,
To be honest, I was very engaged reading your post as it gave a rare insight into a case of family discipline, set in a different political setting. Somehow, being brought up under rather strict parents (but definitely not to this extent!), I was touched and glad to be able to count my blessings.
That being said, your friend's situation seems like quite a tough nut to crack, as every parenting style has been effective within certain era, so there is really no hard and fast rule of what is right or wrong, though your friend's dad does seem to run his family in a very regimental style.
Just a digression here to understand the background better, is it where people with opposing political ideology are sent to? Is re-education for that purpose?
In the Singapore context, I believe that this may warrant intervention from social workers. Yet, the problem is probably so ingrained in the values of his dad that it would take a while to change his mindset.
And I agree with Yuen May that Jack's father may stem from good intention. Perhaps empathising with his father, having seen so many "wrongdo-ers" throughout his working hours, he does not wish to see Jack in a similar situation, thus, this can help Jack come to terms with the treatment he receives.
Perhaps like you, I tend to choose to avoid this conflict, especially in this case where parents are concerned, based on the assumption that no parents will want to harm their kids. So if I were Jack, I'd actually just acknowledge this and unconditionally respect him as a father, while working around the circumstances and finding other means to develop my other interests.
On a side note, the language is quite clear, just some expressions to point out:
"that situation where parents place such great expectation on the children" --> place great expectations
To help you understand this a bit better, looked this up in Merriam Webster. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/expectation
Examples of EXPECTATION
1. The company has expectations of making a profit next year.
2. I saved the files in the expectation that they would be useful in the future.
3. There is widespread expectation that the strike will be settled soon.
4. The crowd waited in expectation of her arrival.
I think this is language use is the same in case 1.
"there is almost no private and free time" --> no privacy or free time.
Please correct me if I'm wrong. Thanks for such an insightful read. :)
Thank you, Wen, for sharing this compelling story with us. Your description of Jack, his problem with his father and the "orders" you two were given when you stayed with him at the camp during vacation is clear and concise. You also provide just enough information for us readers to get a sense of the gravity of Jack's suffering, especially so when you add the comment about the beating at the end.
Non-negotiable, eh? Your classmates have given some good advice. I like Yanling's suggestion that Jack talk to a male relative.
Personally, if I were Jack, I would be quite happy to put some distance between me and my home. I know that such an option is not always available, ad it is never easy, but in some cases the only way to resolve a conflict of this sort, especially when deep-seated contrasting values are involved, is to move on. That may be what Jack needs to do, at least if he wants to gain independence and maintain his sanity.
What do you think?
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